My decision to only have 2 kids

Growing up, I wanted 4 kids at least. When I got married I still wanted a large family. Being an only child with your only 1st cousin being 20 years younger was tough. I always wished I had siblings. After I had my daughter 6 years ago, my ideas of having lots of kids changed!

You may be asking yourself; What was so bad about your daughter that made you change your mind? The answer is not a thing! I decided then that maybe I really only wanted 1 child, and I was fine with that. I could devote every minute to making sure she knew how much I loved her. I could devote all of my time being the best Mom I could be. There are reasons for these feelings.

You see, when my daughter was born, she almost died. When you are a new Mom that had an uneventful pregnancy, aside from a subchorionic bleed when I was 3 months pregnant, you never imagine that you child will be born with a major defect. My daughter was born and didn't come out crying as I always imagine. Even though this was 6 years ago, it seems like yesterday. I constantly relive that day. She was blue, really really blue. I remember laying on the operating table watching them try making her "wake up". I remember saying over and over "is she ok", or "why isn't she crying". I remember they all kept saying "just focus on you, she will be ok". They kept standing in front of my face so I couldn't see. A few minutes later (which felt like an eternity), she cried, they wrapped her up and let me kiss her. Dave was able to hold her while they finished my surgery. We went to recovery and my parents were able to come back and see us. They held her, and I held her. It was amazing. 20 minutes later everything changed.

My Mom looked at me and said "she looks blue". I said (on a lot of pain meds), "she is fine". But Mom kept saying it over and over until the nurse stepped in. She put her stethoscope on the baby, and ran to the phone. When I say ran, she RAN. I have no clue who she called or what she said, I was so scared. She hung up, grabbed the baby from my Mom and listened again. Before I knew it, the baby was taken to the NICU.

The Neonatologist came by shortly after to talk to Dave and I. He said the babies heart rate was approaching 300 beats per minute. When the nurse called them, she said she stopped counting at 270 because she couldn't keep up with it. He told us they had her wrapped in ice, and on an IV. Shortly after her arrival there, they managed to get it under control, but if we waited much longer, she would have died. For her first year, we had cardiologist appointments, Digoxin twice a day, and we had to constantly listen to her heart rate. At 1 year old, she was cleared of her SVT.

It took me 4 years to be ready to have another child. We started feeling like there really was something missing. Bella was about 4 and a half when we began trying for number 2. We had no idea it would be so difficult to get pregnant the second time. It was over a year of doctor appointments, 2 pregnancy losses, and we were just about to give up when we found out we were pregnant.

Again other than some nausea, an uneventful pregnancy. He was also born via c-section, but 3 weeks early because I went into labor. he came out screaming and crying and I was elated. I watched them clean him up, check him over and I watched him stop breathing. How can this be happening again? Luckily the Neonatologist was already there because they wanted to observe him in case he also had SVT. He didn't. His lungs were not developed. Well, at first they said he had fluid in his lungs and would need to be on CPAP for a few days, then he developed a pneumothorax on his left side. The doctors tried to use a long needle and aspirate it, but it didn't work either time, it kept coming back bigger and bigger. They did a chest tube, and ventilator. He did well, and they turned off the suction. Then he started failing again. They added a second chest tube under the first and decided to let him heal and not rush. It took 1 week for the vent and tubes to come out and another week of teaching him to eat, and gain weight. When he was 15 days old we came home, the day before my due date.

It is now officially safe to say that there will be no more babies to be had by me! Emotionally I could never go through having another sick baby. After 2 babies almost die, then come out strong, we are way to blessed to chance it again. I have my girl and my boy and I am more than satisfied with that!